Mema’s Alaskan Tacos Restaurant Review

I make it a rule to not write a bad review, especially of a food establishment, until I’ve been there atleast twice. After all, everyone is entitled to one batch of bad ingredients or one overly busy day where they can’t keep a place clean or one disgruntled employee. This is especially true when I’ve heard so many good things from other reviewers and regular customers. When it comes to Mema’s Alaskan Tacos (1724 E 8th Ave, Tampa, FL 33605, (813) 242-8226), two trips have lead me to never go back there again.

Let’s start with the positives, and there are a few.

Firstly, they have awesome hours, especially for the drunkards that most likely keep this place in business. Open Tue-Sat 12pm-3am so this place could fill you up on either side of a hangover.

Secondly, they have off-street parking. It’s a rarity in Ybor, especially so near everything. Probably 12-15 parking spots out of the way with no cost to park.

Thirdly, the outside terrace is nice. You could really enjoy a nice relaxing evening here, assuming you can deal with the obnoxious people outside.

Lastly, they do have a nice hot sauce collection at each table. You have your standard green, a medium hot and another bottle to spice up whatever you order.

Now, onto the general review.

The first day I decided to go was late at night. Since this place is known as a late-night landing spot, I figured hitting it at 10PM would be an ideal time. I walk into it and am immediately hit with this smell that I can only identify as stale cooking oil. Imagine an uncleaned fryer. That’s exactly what the whole place smells like.

I also noticed that there were only a few people in there, even for being late, so I assume it’ll be pretty quick. I also noticed how incredibly dirty everything was. Almost every table had debris from previous customers. It looked like the place hadn’t been bussed in hours. I look behind the counter to see only two people working, so I assume they’re just really busy.

I walk to the front and the clerk looks furious. I ask, “What’s good here? I’m new…” She cuts me off with, “Alaskan Tacos. Beef, Chicken, Pork or Fish?” I say, “Fish, 2 please, and a raspberry tea.” She takes my order, scowling and diverting her eyes the entire time. She rang me up, gave me a receipt marked 10:05 and walked out the back door.

Then the waiting began. 10:41, I proceed to walk to the counter. The cook was in the back, talking on a cell phone. I did not see the counter girl. I yell to the cook, “Hey, how’s my order coming along?” She looked at me confused, and then went back to the cell phone. I waited another couple of minutes before yelling back again. This time, she quickly said, “I have to go.” to the person on the phone and then came forward. “Here’s my receipt. How’s my order doing?”

She scanned over the receipt. “5 more minutes.”

I went back to my table and waited. Sure enough, 5 more minutes and it was done. What was the wait? They were too busy fucking around to serve the customer! While I was waiting, several other people had congregated in and placed orders too. I didn’t see any of them eating, so I assume they were all on the same schedule.

I unwrap my food and it’s sub-par in every possible way. Knowing that they fry the tacos, I expected a crunchy taco crust with hot insides and a creamy consistency. What I got was an oily taco that left a slimy trail all over your hands when you touch it. This isn’t oily in the sense that french fries are sometimes oily. This is oily in the sense that “an Exxon Tanker capsized on my tray” oily. I wrapped my taco in napkins to remove as much oil as I could. They were drenched and the tacos still felt really greasy. I proceeded to eat the tacos anyway.

The taste was both bland and surprising. The fish had no robust fish flavor. There was nothing even in the way of seasoning to differ it from tofu. The surprising part was the complete lack of any taste of flavor in the taco itself. I’ve eaten fish tacos many places, and they are one of my favorite foods, and these were disgraceful takes on a dish I normally love. No kick, no salt, no real taste. Just like chewing cardboard wrapped in a greasy newspaper. I end up dousing my second taco in both green and red hot sauce. Now I’ve got a chewy, greasy, hot cardboard and newspaper concoction. I got it all down and proceeded to drink my tea.

The tea was something otherworldly. How do you mess up raspberry tea coming out of a fountain machine? It’s the same stuff they serve at Taco Bell, but this was bitter and watered down. I drank less than a quarter of my large drink and threw it away.

When I went to get up to leave I noticed a cockroach crawling across my table! The whole place is dimly lit and there’s dozens of food crumbs on every table, so it’s easy to see how they’d have a roach problem. I darted out of my seat and proceeded to do a quick check of other tables. No more roaches on tables, but there was one by the front door. Disgusted, I left.

About an hour later, I started feeling a horrible rumble in my stomach. I spent the next 3 hours purging the tacos though the standard digestive method . I felt lousy the rest of the night and into the next day.

At this point, I really should have just written a bad review and called it a day. Then my ethics came into play and I decided that I’d give it a week and try again.

Yesterday was that second try. I came in earlier, around 6:30. I figured the early dinner crowd and waitstaff would be better.

I came in to find a few people already eating, so it was already a better sign that this would be a better day. I walk to the counter and the good mood immediately sunk. Different people working both the counter and cook, but the same attitude. The girl at the counter was on her cell phone, talking away to someone about something mundane. I stood at the counter, patiently waiting while she said over her phone, “Give me a few minutes.”

I started the timer. 4 minutes, 15 seconds before she addressed me. I decided to mix it up a bit this time. “Give me a two fish Alaskan tacos and a chicken tamale, and a raspberry iced tea.” She rang me up. Now is the time to note that even if this food was good, it’s no bargain. My meal cost me over $15. If I had been at some place like the Taco Bus or Jalapeno De Ybor or any of the other great taco stands in town, I could have gotten this much food for way, way less and it would have been nothing short of delicious.

She gave me my number and I did a bit of scouting around to see where the most strategic place to eat would be. Tables were less messy this time, but there were still scraps of food and straw wrapper debris almost everywhere. I found a booth on the other side of the room from where I originally sat, did a quick inspection for roaches (found none) and sat down.

The wait this time was much less, only about 20 minutes. I could live with that. Then the food came and it was an encore I was really hoping wouldn’t happen.

The fish tacos were much the same as it was before. Bland, oily, uninspired. I’ve taken this to be the standard and it’s simply not what I’d want in a fish taco. The tamale was probably the biggest disappointment of all. The corn was dry all the way through. No moist cake-like texture that I’ve come to love from my true south-of-the-border eateries. Though I ordered the chicken tamale, I think what was inside of this was pork. If it was pork, then the pork was not only bland, but there wasn’t much of it. I’d say more than 80% of the tamale was dry corn meal covered in a thin, indistinguishable red sauce. After eating half of it, I gave up. The raspberry tea was better this time. No complaints there.

I did notice another repeat of last week’s review, this time with a twist. I got up and walked to my car and as soon as I sat down, I felt really sick to my stomach. Maybe it was the oily smog in the restaurant. Maybe it was the poor quality food. I don’t recall ever feeling sick any other place I’ve reviewed and to have it happen twice in a row seemed strange. I drove the 3 miles or so home, only to feel the urge to vomit overtake me. I took one step out of my vehicle and threw up everything I had just eaten. For those brave enough to see the aftermath, there’s a photo here:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3337/3332365023_03258cdbbc_b.jpg

I spent the rest of last night on my couch in cold sweats, throwing up every 20 minutes or so until it was all out of my system.

In conclusion, I wouldn’t wish Mema’s Alaskan Tacos on anyone. The food was awful. The service was horrible. The restaurant conditions were dismal and dirty and my driveway is yet another victim of this experience. Thankfully, I only wasted $25 and a half gallon of bile on this experience.

Mexican tacos